First post in a while…time to vent.

       It’s been a pretty upsetting week for me. Last weekend my ex-girlfriend (my first long term girlfriend) and I were talking about why our relationship had ended (we broke up a few months ago). I was saying how I thought that it was mostly my fault for some of the things I did. After a little bit of that, she said that it was probably more her fault and she had a lot of apologizing to do.
       After inquiring further, it turns out she cheated on me 3 times (that’s all she admits to at least..) throughout the time we dated and the first two were before we even started fighting in the fall. I can’t describe how I felt, but here’s an attempt- hurt, betrayed, angry, furious, depressed, upset, and confused.
       After the intial anger stage I went through a downward spiral and started wondering what about me caused all of this happen and why I wasn’t good enough. This, coupled with the fact that I’m not good at meeting women and I have shitty self-esteem, led to a pretty rough couple of nights. I was so focused on how much it hurt and how bad I am at meeting women I didn’t think about how much it was her fault.
       She’d cheated on a previous boyfriend, but told me before we dated that she always regretted it, and was sincerely sorry for it and would never do it again. HA. The proverb ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ is definitely true. It would take powerful evidence to convince me otherwise.

       But I’m getting over it. I still think about it and how I feel about it, but I’m trying to focus on the future. I’m not going to be ‘fixing problems’ with me, I’m more of creating the person I want to be. Or at the very least the kind of relationship I want. I’m sure I’ll find a new girl who treats me right and is better and more deserving than her.

I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to completely get over it, but I’m confident I will. It’s just a matter of time.

 

Chris

Memories

I don’t know if this is relevant or not,  but I think it’s worth noting.

When I think of my past, such as highschool, some other school, or whatever else. The first thing that jumps out are the bad memories (gramatical sidenote- should it be ‘are’ or ‘is’? I feel like the subject is thing, so the verb should be ‘is’, but in this context with memories being plural ‘are’ sounds right…but inituition can be wrong).

That’s about it.
Last days of my freshmen year of college.

 

Beginning of some other year.

Why do I react like this?

When something happens that I don’t like, my first instinct or reaction is to be angry. Like as soon as I read the thing, or do whatever it was, and I don’t like it, I’ll most likely get mad about it. Mad as in I just start thinking about it over and over and have the desire to just hit things. For some reason that’s my gut reaction. Why? Why am I so fucked up like this? It really does bother me.

I hate how my reaction to things like that are either anger or sadness, or one then the other.
I just hope this whole college thing will change and mold me into something I want to be.

 

I’d really enjoy not hating what I see in the mirror everyday or constantly putting myself down or hating myself.

Hopefully such a dream is attainable..

Long time no see, er…

You know what I mean.

I’ve somewhat abadoned this blog becuase no one sees it and I’m dont with using it as a vent as of now.
In addition to that I’ve been busy with school shit and whatnot, and trying to not get depressed about things; for some reason I’m not very resilient to that.

Be that as it may, I do find myself being restless a lot. When just around my dorm or whatever I get the feeling like I should be doing something that I’m not, but this is nothing new.

No matter, no one reads this jank anyways.

If you do, surprise me and leave a comment. I may keep it more up to date then.

The difference between being outgoing in a job and socially

A couple of years ago, probably the summer between my junior and senior year, I was seeing a therapist about some social anxiety/depression stuff I was going through because of some stuff from the spring. At the time I had been working at Circuit City.

One day he was asking me about my job and I was telling him how I go up to people and ask them if they need help, what can I get, etc, and that I enjoyed this, and was moderately good at it, while when it came to social settings and going up to someone and talking I couldn’t do it that well. He asked what made the difference between the two and I’m pretty sure my response was “…it’s my job.” But that wasn’t really the best answer.

Looking back, I have a better answer. With me working there, it’s expected, and the situation is somewhat controlled. I’m an employee, they’re a customer presumably looking for something. This being the case I’m being paid to help them so it’s easier to go up and inquire. In a social setting the things aren’t quite as controlled, not to mention if it’s the opposite sex and there’s the ‘coming onto me’ bit.

All that being said I think that’s why I can be outgoing in a job and not socially- it’s controlled, and expected. The customer and I both know where we’re coming from and whatnot. Socially, it’s not so defined. A lack of definition, not to mention the fear of uncertainty, really bothers me for some reason. I’m still trying to delve into my personal self/memories and try to find out why that is, but to no avail as of yet.

As for why I’m up….My roommate is talking to his girlfriend on the phone. Loudly. And I have a 9:30 class. Fml. (Fuck my life).

On the up side, I enjoyed the snow days. Well more the night before the snow day. But I’ll take what I can get.

 

-Ch

Some amazing pictures I’ve stumbled upon.

As far as I’m aware, these aren’t retouched.

 

 

In another life I would’ve loved to have been a photographer. Or artist. But my drawing ability is nil. As for photography…I just never took the steps. But I could see that changing as I get older perhaps. Regardless, these pictures are awesome. If you want the link where these and many more are collected, hit me up.

I wish something would happen.

      Some sort of change in my life, I’m just not that happy with it.

      It’s kinda like those movies where the main character is stuck in whatever situation and wishing something would happen to change it, and then he bumps into a girl and they go out or something else happens and he changes his ways.
      I want that to happen to me, but life isn’t like a movie. There’s no plot.

Just life. One I’m not really a fan of right now.

 

Ironically this post is on Valentine’s Day.

Pictures I’ve be meaning to take.

This is my dad, playing his first bass in 1967.

This is one of my grandfathers medals, from one of the wars.

This is a deep game of Scrabble.

King Me

King me, please.

One of my greatest conflicts.

Is often an internal one. A social one.

My parents got divorced in ‘97, and we lived with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend. My brother is older than me and took the divorce harder, and sometimes took it out on me over the years, but since I hit 16 or so we’ve been basically cool. Before that he made fun of me alot, picked on of course, and hit me from time to time over things, not in the face, but still. I’ve never put it in that wording before and it doesn’t sound good. Aside from that I’ve always been skinny. I’m told I’m built like my mom’s father, who died before my parents divorced and I only have the faintest memory of. But naturally people call(ed) me scrawny and the like. And I had glasses. And braces for a while. I have bad self-esteem.

I’m not complaining about how hard my youth was or anything like that, it’d annoy me too much (probably because my brother would always tell me to stop complaining or crying or whatever). I’m just trying to think things out and see why I think the way I do about myself. I’ve noticed that I’m really negative towards myself, which probably has some connection to being made fun of and hit. In addition I used to have (and still do, but now below the surface, for the most part) anger problems. All of my dad’s side does, him, my brother and I. A long time ago I went to an anger management therapist who basically told me to bottle things it in, or maybe that’s just what I got out of it, so now that’s what I do, but it seems like I also bottle other emotions.

But now towards the point of the entry, how I think about myself. I’m very negative towards myself. I generally dislike pictures of myself and I don’t like my voice. I’m probably rambling, but just try to follow my train of thought. For some reason whenever I get to the part where I actually want to talk about how I think I can never phrase it. It just always seems like I’m putting myself down for no reason or giving myself a hard time. If something doesn’t go the way I’d like it to go, while talking to a girl or something for example, I say things to myself like “she doesn’t like you” or “you talked to much” or “why’d you say that. Imagine what she thinks now.” Then I get caught up in that funk and bad things happen. I try to not do it and become more aware of it but I do it anyway. When I get into an angry or just down mood I think about this even more and do it even more.

I don’t know what I thought this would accomplish. I was just trying to see if I could express my thoughts and the way I think coherently and see if I can see something I’ve missed before. I think I failed.

…And there I go again.

 

Perhaps next time I’ll talk about how I don’t understand cockiness, or undeserved confidence. I’m sure that’s related.