Is often an internal one. A social one.

My parents got divorced in ‘97, and we lived with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend. My brother is older than me and took the divorce harder, and sometimes took it out on me over the years, but since I hit 16 or so we’ve been basically cool. Before that he made fun of me alot, picked on of course, and hit me from time to time over things, not in the face, but still. I’ve never put it in that wording before and it doesn’t sound good. Aside from that I’ve always been skinny. I’m told I’m built like my mom’s father, who died before my parents divorced and I only have the faintest memory of. But naturally people call(ed) me scrawny and the like. And I had glasses. And braces for a while. I have bad self-esteem.

I’m not complaining about how hard my youth was or anything like that, it’d annoy me too much (probably because my brother would always tell me to stop complaining or crying or whatever). I’m just trying to think things out and see why I think the way I do about myself. I’ve noticed that I’m really negative towards myself, which probably has some connection to being made fun of and hit. In addition I used to have (and still do, but now below the surface, for the most part) anger problems. All of my dad’s side does, him, my brother and I. A long time ago I went to an anger management therapist who basically told me to bottle things it in, or maybe that’s just what I got out of it, so now that’s what I do, but it seems like I also bottle other emotions.

But now towards the point of the entry, how I think about myself. I’m very negative towards myself. I generally dislike pictures of myself and I don’t like my voice. I’m probably rambling, but just try to follow my train of thought. For some reason whenever I get to the part where I actually want to talk about how I think I can never phrase it. It just always seems like I’m putting myself down for no reason or giving myself a hard time. If something doesn’t go the way I’d like it to go, while talking to a girl or something for example, I say things to myself like “she doesn’t like you” or “you talked to much” or “why’d you say that. Imagine what she thinks now.” Then I get caught up in that funk and bad things happen. I try to not do it and become more aware of it but I do it anyway. When I get into an angry or just down mood I think about this even more and do it even more.

I don’t know what I thought this would accomplish. I was just trying to see if I could express my thoughts and the way I think coherently and see if I can see something I’ve missed before. I think I failed.

…And there I go again.

 

Perhaps next time I’ll talk about how I don’t understand cockiness, or undeserved confidence. I’m sure that’s related.